CENTENARIAN DIES AFTER OBAMA SPEECH

Joseph Melbun, the United States’ oldest citizen has died at 125 years old after listening to a speech by President Obama.

According to his wife Aimee,

“We were sitting at the kitchen table listening to the tv and playing cribbage. The President was on the news praising the double-dealing that was required to get the sixty votes necessary to pass the health bill. When the President said that health care would improve without raising taxes on the the middle class, Joe started laughing and couldn’t stop. He laughed so hard that he swallowed his dentures and choked to death.”

Mr. Melbun is survived by his wife of 100 years, three children, fifteen grandchildren, forty great-grandchildren, and twenty great-great-grandchildren.

Copyright 2009 – Upuzi Dot Com

TIGER TALKS TURKEY

Golfing god Tiger Woods has finally “explained” the sequence of events that led to him crashing his sport utility vehicle into a fire hydrant and a tree.

Wood’s agent, Mark Steinberg, issued the following flow of events.

 

1. Tiger was cheating on his wife Elin.
2. She found out, and after threatening to ruin his finely crafted public image, went after him with a golf club.
3. Tiger locked himself in his SUV for protection.
4. Elin ran up to the vehicle, and in a fit of realous jage, began to smash the vehicle’s windows, trying to get to Tiger.
5. Fearing for his life, Tiger put the pedal to the metal and ultimately crashed.
6. Elin than pulled Tiger from the vehicle, and beat him into unconsciousness.

 

“Although Tiger and his wife have thoroughly enjoyed that public eye for years, and have made billions of dollars, they now request privacy during this difficult time.”
Copyright 2009 – Upuzi Dot Com

NEW MOVIE RATING SYSTEM

The Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) has announced the first change in the system used to rate movies since ‘X’ became ‘NC-17’.

Effective with movies released after the first of next year, the rating system will be based on the Intelligence Quotient (IQ). The ratings board will determine the IQ level required to actually enjoy a particular movie.

The new ratings classifications will be

• Superior
• Above Average
• Average
• Below Average
• Borderline
• Defective

Spokesperson Sapentia Caput gave some examples of how the new ratings system would be applied to current movies.

“Julie & Julia would be rated Above Average, Ninja Assassin would be Below Average, while Land of the Lost, Year One, and Bruno would be classified as Defective.”

Ms. Caput further explained that the MPAA is considering splitting the Defective classification into Moron, Imbecile and Idiot due to the number of movies in the Defective class. “This breakdown would help consumers choose between Land of the Lost with a Moron rating and Bruno, which is aimed at the Idiot category.”

Copyright 2009 – Upuzi Dot Com

TARP COVERS CELEBRITIES

President Obama today has announced the release of $50 billion for phase three of his TARP program.

This phase of TARP will be used help indigent celebrities, such as Randy Quaid and Nicolas Cage, in the film, television, and music industries. The funds can be used to pay off debts, purchase mansions, buy expensive cars, take exotic vacations, purchase illegal drugs, and any other special needs that a celebrity might have. Any person falling into this group can submit a claim regardless of the celebrity’s current working status or annual income. As part of the plan, Treasury Secretary and notorious tax cheat Timothy Geithner announced that anyone filing a claim would be exempt from federal income taxes for a period of five years.

Ms. Janice Upuzi (no relation), the President’s liaison to Hollywood, stated that

“Americans care more about celebrities than they do about the nation’s economy, crumbling infrastructure, health care reform or failing educational system. The administration has to aid celebrities to maintain their lofty place in society, much as the Greeks did with the gods of Mount Olympus.”

Ms. Upuzi refused to comment when asked whether this program was a payback for the way that the entertainment industry sucked-up to Mr. Obama during his presidential campaign.

Copyright 2009 – Upuzi Dot Com

SESAME STREET DISEASE

Dr. Sampson Stultify, Professor of Behavioral Sciences at Wells-Fargo State University, has proved a direct correlation between watching Sesame Street and Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

Courtesy of a generous federal government grant, Dr. Stultify has surveyed sixty million people between the ages of sixteen and ninety. The survey included questions about television viewing habits in general and specific questions about watching Sesame Street. The survey also included questions concerning respondents ability to focus on a task for an extended period of time. The last section of the survey related to the respondents use of the psycho-stimulant Methylphenidate (also known as Ritalin) used to treat ADHD.

According to Dr. Stultify,

“We broke the survey results into two age groups, with forty-five being the break point. We choose forty-five, because anyone aged forty-five or older would not have been a preschooler when Sesame Street premiered.

The results are as expected. While only one percent of the forty-five and older group exhibits any sign of ADHD, and only half of those claiming to have used Ritalin, a shocking eighty-five percent of the under forty-group have ADHD, with a ninety-eight percent usage of Ritalin in that group. A further disturbing fact is that seventy-three percent of people that began taking Ritalin in grade school continue to need it to focus as adults.

One can only conclude that Sesame Street, with its 20-30 second bursts of information, has destroyed two generations’ ability to focus and think.”

 

Copyright 2009 – Upuzi Dot Com

JOHNSON JETTISONS JET

At the urging of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, Johnson Publishing is selling a fifty percent interest in Ebony and Jet magazines to radio commentator Rush Limbaugh.

Johnson Publishing spokeswoman Amy Itifaki stated that both magazines could be considered racist (as defined by Mr. Sharpton and Mr. Jackson) since not one white person has ever appeared on the cover of either magazine. “In the spirit of racial harmony, Mr. Johnson has decided that Mr. Limbaugh is the perfect person to bring a fresh outlook to the two magazines.”

Ms. Itifaki went on to state that Johnson Publishing did not want to get into the situation of “the pot calling the kettle black”, especially since Sharpton and Jackson forced Rush from getting a piece of the Saint Louis Rams.

Copyright 2009 – Upuzi Dot Com

JACKSON GETS RAMMED

Jesse Jackson, at the urging of his friend Al Sharpton, has formed a group to bid on the National Football League’s Saint Louis Rams.

According to an un-named source, the group will include, in addition to Mr. Jackson, his sons Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. (unless he is charged under the Pay-for-Play scandal) and Yusef Jackson, owner of the Budweiser Distributorship in Chicago’s River North area. This source further stated that family was willing to put up their entire fortune to keep the Rams from being acquired by a group that includes radio commentator Rush Limbaugh.

The Jacksons are hoping to convince a football legend to become the head coach, thereby creating fan interest. As of today the leading candidates are Terrell Owens, Donovan McNabb, and Michael Vick.

The NFL refuses to comment on any potential acquisition other than to say that “any owner, as long as he is not a convicted felon, is fine with us”.

Copyright 2009 – Upuzi Dot Com

MUSEUM BANS KIDS

Starting next month every Friday will be ‘kid free’ at Chicago’s Museum of Science and Industry. No one will be admitted to the museum under the age of 21.

Tony Nomisma, the museum’s Business Manager stated that this decision was based on both surveys of exiting guests and fiscal/energy considerations.

“Ours is an interactive museum. Many of the exhibits require a button to be pressed to start a sound recording or video presentation. Too many youngsters press the button and then leave, thereby causing the museum to waste electricity and raise our carbon footprint. When an adult presses the button at an exhibit, it’s because they want to learn about the topic, or at least listen to it. Also, too many school groups schedule field trips to the museum. Because the students look at the trip as a one-day vacation, they run around causing havoc and interrupting our serious patrons. Although the museum may lose some child/school revenue, we feel that this will be more than offset by the energy savings and the increase attendance by adults, knowing that they can enjoy the museum in peace.”

Mr. Nomisma would not respond when asked whether this policy was in any way connected to the San Diego Zoo’s recent stroller ban.

Copyright 2009 – Upuzi Dot Com

GOSSELIN KIDS FIGHT BACK

The eight Gosselin kids, tired of the petty squabbling between their petulant parents, have hired their own attorney and agent.

According to Cara and Mady Gosselin, leaders of the pack, the children are going to take charge of their own futures.

“First, we are going to divorce our parents. Legal precedent is set whereby a child, or children in our case, can remove all parental rights from idiotic egotistical parents. Second, our agent is going to shop a reality show for us, showing our emotions as we proceed through the legal process. After the divorce is final, we will have a second series, showing us interviewing various couples wanting to be our ‘new’ parents.”

When asked about their biological parents, Cara replied, “Let them get jobs and live off their own labors, rather than mooching off us!”

Copyright 2009 – Upuzi Dot Com

ZOO ZAPS ZTROLLERS

Starting next month every Friday will be ‘stroller free’ at the San Diego Zoo. This ban will also apply to wagons and any other wheeled devices used to lug cranky kids around the zoo.

Mary Hypocorism, the zoo’s Vice President of Consumer Relations, stated that her department has made this decision based on surveys of exiting guests.

“Apparently many adults and older children want to enjoy the zoo without having to listen to whiny youngsters that don’t want to be there in the first place, or without being rammed by a stroller so that a parent can show some animal to a six-month old baby. We decided that if a child cannot walk the zoo without sitting or laying, then they are too young to attend.”

The decision will be reviewed after a nine-month trial period. Ms. Hypocorism stated that it is possible that (a) the ban will be made permanent and (b) it will be expanded to additional days.

Copyright 2009 – Upuzi Dot Com